I remember one specific time, on the way to the hospital I could feel my entire body having convulsions and I remember thinking "Why is this happening? Am I having a seizure? Mom had seizures before she died..." Then when I got to the hospital and was "sitting" in the wheel chair, I could hear the nurse talking to me, but I couldn't respond. No matter how hard I tried. That's a scary feeling. All of it is.
Each time they gave me Valium and oxygen and let me rest. They would run tests and scans and everything came back normal. They told me it was an anxiety attack, but I didn't understand why I was having them. Each time they happened, I always felt completely relaxed and calm when they came on. So, I scheduled yet another appointment with my neurologist to see if my worst fear was coming to fruition.
At the time of my last anxiety attack (well over a year later) and doctor appointment, I was in the process of buying my house and dad had just been diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. I told my neurologist about all of this, and she thought they could have been catalysts for my attacks. A prescription for Xanax later, I haven't had one since. (The Rx was only for 10 pills... And I only had to take 3 of them to prevent further attacks, all of which directly related to stress caused by dad's cancer.)
History:
My mom died of a brain aneurysm when she as 26 years old (I was 3 months old, Chad was 2.) Symptons she had leading up to her death were minimal, other than severe/unexplained headaches (aka- migraines) and a couple of seizures. Throughout the years, we've learned that this diagnosis can increase the chance of other blood family members to have a brain aneurysm. As long as I can remember, I've suffered from headaches/migraines. When I was in middle school, I started seeing neurologists and getting MRIs to see if I have one, also. The only problem with that was that the doctors couldn't definitively tell me "yes" or "no" as far as if I have it or not because a woman's brain is not fully developed until we are in our late 20's-early 30's. Clearly, my mom died before that age range, so it terrified me.
At the same time of my attacks and seeing my neurologist, I also started seeing a counselor to see if I had a reason to be feeling anxious (other than my dad's cancer.) In short, I realized that when my attacks started, my only full biological brother was about to turn 26. Mom was 26 when she passed away. It turns out I had an underlying fear of this age and what it could mean. My brother has never shown any symptoms of having an aneurysm like I have, but it's still scary as hell to have that hanging over your head. Also, Chad turning 26 meant I was only 2 years from 26. Digesting that bit of information along with my increased symptoms (not only migraines anymore, but also convulsions) really freaked me out.
My MRI came back as definitively negative. I don't have an aneurysm. And I haven't had an anxiety attack or needed a Xanax since that day. My doctor was able to 100% diagnose me with not having one, but also tell me why and where I was having my migraines. Such a relief!
As I got older and closer to turning 26, I still had that fear. In all aspects of my life- I physically look identical to Mom, I act just like her, my mannerisms are just like her, etc- it was hard for me to separate myself from her and fully understand that I am not her and I will not die at 26 years old. (Not at least the same way she did.) Regardless, I had a tough time turning 26. I kept most of my anxiety about it to myself because I knew it sounded silly, but it was a tough birthday.
But, here I am. 1 year later. Still alive and officially 27 years old. I truly never thought I'd see this day. And, I get to celebrate in a way I never have before. I now live in Denver and my mom is buried here. I get to go visit her grave site and celebrate my 27th birthday with her physical body. (I know her spirit is always with us, but there's something calming about getting to go to her for this day.)
Speaking of, I'm beyond excited to see what 27 has to offer me. In just the last few weeks, I've picked up my life and moved it to Denver, where I've always wanted to live. I'm near close family members that I love, I'm near my mom, and starting a new job and life experiences. On top of that, just over a month or so ago I started dating someone back in Austin that is pretty awesome. It was kept hush hush because of my move (among other things.) But, we've recently decided that despite the distance, we want to keep trying this thing that we have going on because it's simply too strong of a connection to walk away from just because we can't always see each other when we want. But, we have plans as to how we can make this work, and I'm beyond excited to see it play out. 27 will be an awesome year. :)
<3
