Bet Ya Didn't Know!

So, I haven't written since I turned 27 (March 1.) Not for any reason in particular, just because I haven't been able to think of an intriguing topic. Well, at least, I couldn't think of one that I didn't eventually deem inappropriate to publish online for everyone to read.

The short of it is, I'm quite happy here in Denver. There are some things that I wish were different, but life is never perfect. And they're all things that I can control and change, with the help of loved ones and God. I have a strong support system and my gratitude for my amazing boyfriend is forever growing. I've always known I'm a very lucky girl, but he has made me realize exactly how lucky I am, and for that, I couldn't be more thankful.

So, for the sake of trying to maintain my blog this time and entertaining the 3 of you that read it, I thought that mixing it up would be a little fun. I was on Pinterest today (for work, actually) and I saw this post called "30 Questions To Ask Your Date, Even If You're Married." I read through it and thought it would be fun to answer these questions on my blog. I usually write rather heavy and serious topics, so I thought this would be a fun change of pace. Plus, some of you may learn something new about Your's Truly <3

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

• I belch. I can usually out belch my brothers. 
• I'd never purchased a stamp until the age of 21, and the only reason for that was to mail out bachalorette invitations for my Now-Sister-In-Law's party. 
• I have a very strange, intense fear of stitches, staples, etc. It's just not normal to sew up skin.
• I am most afraid to die by drowning or by fire.
• I VERY RECENTLY learned how to ACTUALLY shop for a bra. 
• My compassion and love for animals is sometimes rather intense.
• My nephew is one of the few things/people that can make me smile, regardless of my mood
• I sometimes believe that I know what my dogs are thinking. Ok... it's more than sometimes.
• I don't enjoy drinking water.
• I don't care much for chocolate. I much prefer gummy candy. Especially if it's sour.
• My brother is one of the people I look up to the most personally.
• My sis-in-law is one of the people I look up to the most professionally.
• I have a fear of "moms." 
• I can't cut a straight line with scissors.
• I'm terrible with money. 
• I don't know if I want children. I love the idea of them, and of having them with the man that I love. But, the idea totally freaks me out.
• If I use a picture frame, it HAS to be black.
• I'm a very modest person, but the thing I know that I am great at doing is my work and expertise. And I'm not afraid to say it.
• I am a Tim Tebow fan. Get over it. 
• I find it comforting living in the same city where my mom is buried.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

• Moms: I didn't have one growing up and most of the mother figures I had in my life (boyfriend's moms, etc) always end up "leaving" for one reason or another. I've never truly connected with someone that I would consider THE mother figure in my life. Well, with one exception. And she's no longer a part of my life, so..... 
• Stitches/Staples: It's just not normal to use a staple gun on your skin, or to sew it up. Gross. 
• Dying at an early age: My mom died when she was 26 years old and left a husband and 2 very, very young children behind (2 years old and 3 months old.) Because everyone tells me I'm exactly like her in every way... This is an underlying fear. It  used to actually turning 26 years old (it ACTUALLY gave me anxiety attacks that sent me to the hospital) but once that was said and done, it's just the thought of dying early. This most likely explains my fear of having children, too. 

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

• My dad is quite possibly one of the strongest persons I've ever been able to know. He's gone through more than most ever do in their entire life, and he's only 53. He's lost a wife, raised 2 very young children alone, beat stage 4 cancer among other things. He makes very difficult decisions in his life every day and while I may not always agree with them, I understand his thought process. He's my hero. 

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

• ENJOY IT! 
• Don't work so hard on everything. Be a teenager.
• Don't rush to be an adult.
• SAVE MONEY
• Following your heart isn't always the best solution
• It's not your fault.
• Go to college in Colorado. You may regret it if you don't. 
• You're beautiful.
• Push yourself to live outside of your comfort zone, always.
• Eat better. Your tiny little body won't always stay so tiny if you eat that way!

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

• Seeing the mountains every day.
• Knowing I have the opportunity, any day I want, to go visit my mom's grave.
• Knowing that I took a huge risk in following my heart and moving to Denver.
• I have quite possibly the most supportive, thoughtful and loving guy in my life.
• My dogs.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? Certain subjects are off limits for me to write about publicly. But, one of the hardest things I've ever experienced is when my cousin was killed at Columbine. Not only the turmoil that it caused my family, but the media attention surrounding her story, the nonstop reminders of it, but returning to school after a week or two after the shooting only to return to shooting threats, bomb threats, etc. 
7. What is your dream job, and why? This is TBD. Once I know, I promise I'll write it. But, I think that it may be teaching college students about advertising. Who knows. 
8. What are 5 passions you have?

• Animals
• Self reflection and improvement
• Cooking (for other people)
• Being an active person
• My family

9. List 5 people who have influenced you and describe how.

• My Dad: Watching him as a single father, raising two young children after losing his wife suddenly, defeating cancer, etc. and he's still a happy "on the bright side" kind of person. I only wish I could be that strong.
• Angie: Her point of view on life, relationships, work, faith, etc is uncanny. I've never met such a strong woman and she's helped me get through some of the most difficult times of my life with how she thinks. 
• My Brother: He's a great husband and an even better father. In looking for "my guy," I've always looked for someone that resembles him and has the same characteristics. 
• My Mom: I know she's watching over me every day and supporting me when I need her most. So, I try to live every minute of every day so she would be proud of me.
• Mason: Just thinking of him reminds me to smile.

10. Describe your most embarrasing moment. I'm pleading the 5th on this one. 
11. Describe 5 pet peeves you have.

• Ignorant people: It's not that they're stupid. It's that they don't seem to care to learn.
• Inconsiderate people: You can't get through life without thinking and caring about other people's feelings.
• People who leave their turning signal on without realizing it. 
• Being interrupted.
• Disrespect.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

• Push snooze 5 times and get ready for work
• Work
• Walk the dogs
• Workout
• Cook dinner
• Watch TV
• Bed
• Repeat.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

• I can be overly emotional. Thus sometimes making me irrational
• I'm controlling
• I'm bad with finances
• I am terrible at apologizing
• I can't let an argument end

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

• I do my best not to judge people or their circumstances
• I'm compassionate
• I take risks
• I let myself feel ALL feelings
• I'm relatively smart. I just sometimes make stupid decisions. 

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? A dog :) Their loyalty and love is unlike any other.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

• Graduating college
• Moving to Denver
• Buying a house at 24
• Running a 1/2 marathon
• My career

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at? Trusting.
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? Again, too personal to put online. 
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? I'm here :)
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

• Always wrestling/rough housing with my brother and dad
• Watching my little brother and sister be born. Just over the doctor's shoulder.
• Hunting Easter eggs at my Aunt's house with my dad, brother and her dog, Dutch.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first? Go back in time... I'd go to meet my mom :)
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 

• 5 years: Married and settled in a progressing career
• 10 years: Settled in my career and traveling, enjoying my husband
• 15 years: Considering retirement soon, enjoying my husband and traveling even more.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

• Cooking: It makes me feel like I'm taking care of the one(s) I love. 
• Running: It clears my head, relieves my stress and is energizing. Especially when I notice improvement.
• Playing with my dogs: Seeing their pure joy can always bring a smile to my face.
• Traveling: I love seeing new things, being active and adventurous.
• Visiting family: It's what makes the world ago around. 

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

• Childhood: The three of us were inseparable, very close and laughed. A lot. 
• Now: We're still very close but outside factors have changed the relationships overall. Plus, growing up and moving in our own direction will mean that we're not as close as we once were. 

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat? Again, my mom. And whatever her favorite food was. (Note to self: Find out what her favorite meal was.)
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong? "Great things come to those who wait." I'd rather create great things and make them happen for myself.
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why? My eyes... Eyes are a very powerful tool.
28. What is your love language? I don't understand the question. 
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you? I often get that I can come across as a bit "rude" or "bitchy" when I definitely don't intend to. I guess my non-smiling face (if I'm focused or something) can be a bit harsh, and I have a bit of a strong personality, so I have a reputation for being that way. I try not to be, I try very hard, but it still happens. 
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. My love. That's all. :)

27 Is A Prime Number

Sometime when I was 23 years old, I started having some severe anxiety attacks. At the time, I didn't know what they were... I just knew that one minute I'd be laying on the couch, in the shower, or just sitting in bed feeling completely normal, when all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. I'd try so hard to catch my breath, and all it would do is lead to me passing out, going in and out of consciousness, and even convulsing. I went to the hospital for this a total of 4 times, and an ambulance came to me once.

I remember one specific time, on the way to the hospital I could feel my entire body having convulsions and I remember thinking "Why is this happening? Am I having a seizure? Mom had seizures before she died..." Then when I got to the hospital and was "sitting" in the wheel chair, I could hear the nurse talking to me, but I couldn't respond. No matter how hard I tried. That's a scary feeling. All of it is.

Each time they gave me Valium and oxygen and let me rest. They would run tests and scans and everything came back normal. They told me it was an anxiety attack, but I didn't understand why I was having them. Each time they happened, I always felt completely relaxed and calm when they came on. So, I scheduled yet another appointment with my neurologist to see if my worst fear was coming to fruition.

At the time of my last anxiety attack (well over a year later) and doctor appointment, I was in the process of buying my house and dad had just been diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. I told my neurologist about all of this, and she thought they could have been catalysts for my attacks. A prescription for Xanax later, I haven't had one since. (The Rx was only for 10 pills... And I only had to take 3 of them to prevent further attacks, all of which directly related to stress caused by dad's cancer.)

History:

My mom died of a brain aneurysm when she as 26 years old (I was 3 months old, Chad was 2.) Symptons she had leading up to her death were minimal, other than severe/unexplained headaches (aka- migraines) and a couple of seizures. Throughout the years, we've learned that this diagnosis can increase the chance of other blood family members to have a brain aneurysm. As long as I can remember, I've suffered from headaches/migraines. When I was in middle school, I started seeing neurologists and getting MRIs to see if I have one, also. The only problem with that was that the doctors couldn't definitively tell me "yes" or "no" as far as if I have it or not because a woman's brain is not fully developed until we are in our late 20's-early 30's. Clearly, my mom died before that age range, so it terrified me.

At the same time of my attacks and seeing my neurologist, I also started seeing a counselor to see if I had a reason to be feeling anxious (other than my dad's cancer.) In short, I realized that when my attacks started, my only full biological brother was about to turn 26. Mom was 26 when she passed away. It turns out I had an underlying fear of this age and what it could mean. My brother has never shown any symptoms of having an aneurysm like I have, but it's still scary as hell to have that hanging over your head. Also, Chad turning 26 meant I was only 2 years from 26. Digesting that bit of information along with my increased symptoms (not only migraines anymore, but also convulsions) really freaked me out.

My MRI came back as definitively negative. I don't have an aneurysm. And I haven't had an anxiety attack or needed a Xanax since that day. My doctor was able to 100% diagnose me with not having one, but also tell me why and where I was having my migraines. Such a relief!

As I got older and closer to turning 26, I still had that fear. In all aspects of my life- I physically look identical to Mom, I act just like her, my mannerisms are just like her, etc- it was hard for me to separate myself from her and fully understand that I am not her and I will not die at 26 years old. (Not at least the same way she did.) Regardless, I had a tough time turning 26. I kept most of my anxiety about it to myself because I knew it sounded silly, but it was a tough birthday.

But, here I am. 1 year later. Still alive and officially 27 years old. I truly never thought I'd see this day. And, I get to celebrate in a way I never have before. I now live in Denver and my mom is buried here. I get to go visit her grave site and celebrate my 27th birthday with her physical body. (I know her spirit is always with us, but there's something calming about getting to go to her for this day.)

Speaking of, I'm beyond excited to see what 27 has to offer me. In just the last few weeks, I've picked up my life and moved it to Denver, where I've always wanted to live. I'm near close family members that I love, I'm near my mom, and starting a new job and life experiences. On top of that, just over a month or so ago I started dating someone back in Austin that is pretty awesome. It was kept hush hush because of my move (among other things.) But, we've recently decided that despite the distance, we want to keep trying this thing that we have going on because it's simply too strong of a connection to walk away from just because we can't always see each other when we want. But, we have plans as to how we can make this work, and I'm beyond excited to see it play out. 27 will be an awesome year. :)

<3

Webster's Definition of "Life Happens"

So, as of tomorrow, it's been a month since I wrote my last blog. When I got a text message today that said "You should write a new blog"... Well, I obliged. I've been putting it off because I haven't had enough time to sit down and write about what I promised to write about (Gateway's sermon relating religion to finances) and I really wanted to. But, for the time being, because "life happens," I'm having to put that topic on hold. For good reason. (Also explaining the lack of time to actually write...)

As of recently, life has thrown me a couple of curve balls... Three of which would have made me strike out under normal circumstances. But as of right now, each of these curve balls may have resulted in a home run. That's TBD...

I started with Practice Cafe (http://www.practicecafe.com/) on February 13, 2008, 2 months after I graduated college. At Practice Cafe, I started as a Marketing Associate and quickly became the Marketing Director. I worked for Practice Cafe for 4 years and loved the company, co-workers and my job. The only thing that didn't seem right was that I've always felt compelled to move to Denver. The only thing holding me back was this good job, which I felt like I was good at. (This doesn't take into account the obvious family I have in Austin... Of course they were also holding me back, but I also knew they'd understand if I ever decided to move.)

Well, 2.5 weeks ago, my sister in law sent me a link to a job posting in Denver... It was for a Marketing Director position for an orthodontic practice (that has 2 locations) in Denver. This is exactly what I've been doing at Practice Cafe, just with a slight shift in my thought process. I took the chance and sent my resume (on a Wednesday.) By Thursday I had a job interview and by Friday I had a job offer. As of Friday night, I had plans to move to Denver in 2 weeks.

I was scared. Out. Of. My. Mind. It all happened so quickly. My initial anxiety came from the fact that was I was leaving a company that I have worked so hard for and loved for 4 years. Then it came from the feeling like I disappointed my bosses by making the choice I did. (This feeling was comparable to disappointing my dad and best friend.) I was actually sick to my stomach and was feeling too many things that it actually made me feel numb. I couldn't feel things. I didn't react. I didn't show feelings. (Note- While I may have disappointed my employers, they were also happy for me and knew how much I've always wanted to be in Denver.)

Then, I quickly realized that not only was I leaving my job, but that meant I would be starting a new job. I haven't done that in 4 years. Scary. I had no idea what to expect... I knew I could do it, but I sincerely had no idea where to start in preparing for it. (I started my job today, and I still have no idea how to prepare for it.)

Now, this also meant I have to move to Denver. It's true that Denver has always been my dream, but now that it was coming true, I had no idea where to start. I had to say goodbye to my job. To my dad. To my brother. And nephew. And all of my friends. Before this move, I've never moved more than 45 minutes away from everyone and everything. Thankfully, I knew I had (have) a strong support system in Denver, since that's where most of my relatives live. But still... This was such a huge move (literally, figuratively, emotionally...) I just had no idea where to start. So, I started slowly. Despite the fact that I had exactly 2 weeks to pack up my life and go. Thankfully, I also had/have a good support system in Austin, too, that really pulled through and helped me when I needed to either be distracted, calmed down or just someone to talk to. I couldn't have gotten through those two weeks without those people. Especially one in particular. :)

Now, I'm here. Not quite settled in, but the best that it's going to be for the next month or so. I'm not 100% sure it's hit me yet. I miss certain things, and mostly certain people. I miss being a part of everyone's life daily, but this is what I had to do for myself. But, I'm thankful.

In my initial post, I mentioned that one of my New Years resolutions going into 2011 was to "step out of my comfort zone." I wrote a lot about how this became not just a resolution, but a way of life. In my last post, I mentioned that going into 2012 I had full intentions of continuing this way of life as well as live it out even more. Well, here I am. In Denver. With the people I love most in Austin. And after leaving a great, secure job. But as I said, I had to do it for myself. I've always known that I'm supposed to be in Denver and I'm so thankful to have this opportunity to start a new job and be near more family. I am sad to have left most things in Austin, but all things worth while will always be there and can even possibly come here. And for that, I'm beyond excited.

Everyone hears the term "Life Happens" and relates it to a negative connotation. For me, it can have a negative connotation, but, I've chosen to grasp the opportunities that life has given me and "step out of my comfort zone" to really live my life. And that should be what the term means. I definitely don't think I would have been strong enough to do this without my experiences from the end of 2010-2011 that I learned so much from, nor without the support of such amazing people in my life.

:)

2012- Faith Showing Me That IT'S TIME To Buckle Down

Going into 2012, my biggest resolution (on top of the ones from 2011 that I want to expand on) is to make major headway financially. I've hesitated on posting anything about this because this is so personal to me, but I need accountability, and this will give it. On top of that, I really feel like the message is strong and will benefit others.

Some Background:

In 2011, one of my resolutions was to "step out of my comfort zone." And... Well, there were times that I definitely lept over my comfort zone, and it always resulted in me growing and learning about myself and my views. And as I mentioned in my first post, this resolution resulted in me meeting some very influential people that have given me a new view on life. One of these people was a guy that I dated and was incredibly intelligent. I knew that just from spending time with him and absorbing everything he had to offer would really effect my life in positive ways. One thing that made me hesitate in dating him was that he is very religious, and I never have been too religious. I just didn't grow up in a religious household, though the belief was there. I started to go to church with him at Gateway Church (on McNeil and 183,) started reading books and educating myself, and of course asking him as many questions as I could. These experiences came into my life at a great time. The best way I can describe it was that I "absorbed" as much information I could, which resulted in quite a bit of self reflection.

While I'm no longer dating this amazing person, he is of course someone I still hold dear to my heart for the reasons I listed above. I still go to church as often as I can and try to apply the message to my life in order to continue growing.

One of the things I learned about going to church is that somehow the message always seems to be applicable to what I am struggling with in my life at that time. Whether it's relationships, how to manage stress (external and internal,) or simply self reflection, the messages always seem to be comforting. Last week's message and the series we're starting right now is absolutely no different.

My Financial Struggles... Resulting in My Resolution

Being an adult sucks. Knowing what I know now, I wish I would have taken my time becoming an adult. I never had any idea as to how hard it is to be an adult... Especially when it comes to finances. While it's hard for me to admit (the hardest thing for me to admit, actually, and the ONE thing I will not talk to most people about) I'm not great with money. On top of that, a year and half ago I had some medical issues pop that resulted in a 3-night stay in a hospital, an ER visit and an emergency surgery... All to find out my insurance wasn't going to pay for a dime after the fact. Plus student loans. Plus a mortgage. Plus life happening. While I have a good job and make decent money, I just couldn't keep up. I've started to feel the weight of all of these pressures and finally, I've had enough. It's time for me to really do something about it and if 2011 taught me anything, it's that I can do what I put my mind to. So, this is the year that I'm going to finally get ahead of the game. I'm buckling down- No traveling (sorry, Denver family,) really cut down on dining out and spending money on things I don't need. My fear is how it's going to effect my social life. But, I'm realizing that I don't have to spend (a lot of) money to spend time with friends and family. So, this is finally going to happen. It's getting real.

My next few posts are going to be about the series at church (which is called "Recovery Road: Moving Toward Financial Peace") and how I can apply it to my resolution and life. This series came at the best possible time and I'm very much looking forward to it and applying how my faith and support from church can make a difference in making progress on my finances.

:)

2011 In Review, 2012 Coming Up!

For those of you that have been in my life for a little while, you know that for me, going into 2011 was bitter sweet. The end of 2010 was really tough for me, so I really thought about the factors in my life that I had the control to change, in order to grow as a person in 2011.

Before October 2010, I'd never really spent any time (since the age of 15) being single. In October, I was thrown into the single world like a poor little mouse is thrown into a cage with a snake... And just in time to experience the holidays alone. While I definitely felt bad for myself, I knew that being single was something I would have to finally experience in order to grow into the best version of myself. So, while I sulked through those tough 3 months of the holidays, I also soaked it in and allowed myself to be sad and lonely. Which made it quite a bit easier when New Years Eve came around (despite the pressure to "find" someone to kiss at midnight because that's what I'm supposed to for my 2011 to start out "just right.") Instead of putting my energy into finding someone to kiss when the ball dropped, I looked within myself and found some ways to make my 2011 worthwhile. Some call these "New Years Resolutions," but I knew that for me to truly be happy, they'd have to become a way of life. And they did. And I surprised myself by completely exceeding even my own expectations. A couple of these were:

1. "Get into shape." Duh. That's what everyone vows. I wasn't out of shape, I just wanted to be in better shape. But in late February I got a call from my crazy cousin in Denver saying "Hey- By the way, we're running a half marathon in October here in Denver. You have plenty of time so no excuses." By March I realized I couldn't even run a mile without having a near-death experience. But, by September I was able to run 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 2 minutes. I successfully ran my half marathon - in Denver- with my cousin Ashleigh on October 9 in near freezing temperatures in 2 hours and 55 minutes with stress fractures in both feet. The most amazing part? I'm still training even after the fact and have stuck to staying in shape. My next race is Feb. 19 here in Austin, then I'm doing the Tough Mudder with my brother and cousins in Denver in June.
2. "Stay single for a while." Based on my history (my longest "single period" before this was less than a month) I knew that I would have to focus on being comfortable being single and letting it happen. There's no "rushing into a relationship" this time around. I need to get to know myself and be comfortable being with myself, alone, nobody else. I knew I couldn't love someone unconditionally without loving myself unconditionally first. Plus, how am I supposed to answer those stupid interview-like questions on a first date ("What are you interested in?" if I don't even know the answers to them? I had to find myself and my identity before I could fall into a relationship again. At the time, I had no idea how long this would take, but for some reason I didn't see it lasting longer than 6 months. 15 months later, here I am... Still single and still learning about myself. And I couldn't have achieved this without my #3 "resolution."
3. "Step out of my comfort zone." This is by far my favorite resolution and one I made sure to stick to all the way through 2011- And will for the rest of my life. This had so many levels to it that it's impossible for me to really get into, but mostly it was meant for me to force myself into uncomfortable situation in order to learn about myself, meet new people, and to grow as an individual. Here are some ways I did this in 2011:

• Well, as I already mentioned- I ran a half marathon. Learning to focus on something like training for this was the most challenging part. It taught me self control, responsibility, respect for my body, and how to set realistic goals for myself.
• I had to learn not to be shy talking to people I don't know. This has never been a challenge for me, considering I've spent my entire adult/career life talking to people I don't know. But it's much more different when it's on a social level. I've always had a hard time with the "Will you be my friend?" concept. But through my breakup I realized who I could count on and who I couldn't... And it meant that I had to try to find more people in my life that I could. As a newly single woman, I had to learn to value my friendships more than ever, so I couldn't be shy about asking my friends to hang out, let them know when I needed them, or reaching out to a potential new friend and allowing myself to show my vulnerability.
• Dating. How the heck does someone learn how to date? By going on them. Lots of them. Which I did. And am doing. And have hated most of the dating experience the entire time. When I was ready to meet new people, I joined an online dating site (Yup.) and literally put myself out there to the world. I met a few great guys (and a couple creepers) but more importantly, through asking the routine questions on dates, I learned a lot about myself and how to be comfortable with who I am. On top of that, I met some guys that have truly affected my life in positive ways that I could never imagine. And for that, I truly cherish the friendships that have been established out of forcing myself to show my vulnerabilities.

There's quite a bit more than that but for the sake of wrapping this thing up, I'll end there. 2012's resolutions will look pretty similar to this, but with a few additions/revisions. But, I'm excited to see what this "fresh" start will bring.

Happy end of year 2011! :)